


i've come to know (that memories were the best things you ever had)

by AshesStarsAndRedStringsOfFate



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Merlin Is Bad At Feelings, Original Master Character - Freeform, The Knights Are Trying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:06:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26727898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshesStarsAndRedStringsOfFate/pseuds/AshesStarsAndRedStringsOfFate
Summary: Merlin is finally summoned to Chaldea after everything that happened in Uruk, and is glad that he can finally relax, away from Avalon.Just one problem. The Knights of the Round Table are here too. And they just won't leave him alone.
Comments: 21
Kudos: 78





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! This is just an idea I've had bouncing around for a while, and I wanted to get the first part of it out there! Yes, I might project onto Merlin too much. Do I care? Nope.

Merlin stared at the door to his new room, blinking uncomprehendingly at the small, but cozy space. It seemed like someone had already been in here to set things up, which wasn’t too surprising in and of itself, but somehow, the room was arranged almost exactly like Merlin’s old room back in Camelot, with the bed right under the window and desk right beside it. A comfortable, plush rug (which he _knew_ was not a normal fixture of these rooms) covered the tile floor, meant to protect bare toes from the cold floor in the middle of this eternal winter. Yes, the room was clearly modern, but if Merlin let his memories run just a bit wild, he could almost believe he was back in Camelot. 

“Is this okay? I know you’re probably used to a lot bigger, and I’m not sure what exactly your setup in Avalon is, but I asked some of the knights and they came up with this, but we can fix it if you’d like!” Emrys laughed nervously from behind him. Glancing back, Merlin found him wringing his hands nervously, clearly desperate to make his new Servant comfortable. 

Ah, so one of the knights had done this. That explained it. Merlin’s heart gave a weird little pang at that before he brutally shoved any incoming sappy thoughts about the idiots he’d used to call his comrades away before they could sneak into his mind proper. He didn’t get attached, after all, no matter what people seemed to think. Emrys was still staring at him nervously, and Merlin realized he had yet to respond to his query about if the room was acceptable. 

“It’s perfectly alright,” Merlin answered after a moment of deliberation, fixing a bright smile on his face and making sure to crinkle up the corner of his eyes to make it look a little more real and convincing. “Now, if you don’t mind me saying, you’ve had a long day, considering you just got back from a Singularity, and I think you might want to go rest before Mashu has my head for keeping you up.” 

Emrys stifled a yawn at that, still looking at Merlin with a cocktail of emotions that Merlin couldn’t quite place. “Remember, if you need _anything_ , there’s an intercom button. Need me to show you how to work it?” 

“I think I can figure that out for myself,” Merlin laughed, gently pushing Emrys away from his door. “Now, shoo, away with you.” 

“If you’re sure you’ll be okay…” His Master trailed off with a yawn. Merlin laughed again and shoved him a little harder, reassurances falling from his lips until Emrys finally left, leaving Merlin alone in his room. With a small sigh, he closed and locked the door behind him, toed off his boots, and then proceeded to collapse on the bed. Uruk had taken a _lot_ out of him, and he genuinely needed a break. He was sure Gilgamesh felt the same way, considering all that had occurred near the end there, and Merlin felt an overwhelming desire to sleep for a week straight just thinking about it. He’d been lucky in Uruk, he knows, that Emrys hadn’t brought along any of the Knights of the Round Table, but there was no longer a guarantee that he wouldn’t run into any of them in the hallways now. He needed to be at full capacity for functioning in order to handle this, and a nap was needed to get to that stage. Waving a hand to turn off the lights, Merlin burrowed under the very thick, very comfortable blankets (way more than normal, he wondered if that was an accident or if one of the knights remembered that he was always cold) and closed his eyes, allowing himself to slip into the realm of dreams, too tired to direct himself to anyone in particular. He just hoped that whoever’s dreams he ended up in didn’t mind his presence. 

* * *

The next morning, Merlin found himself awake at an actually decent hour, much to his surprise. He’d expected to sleep well into the afternoon, but this wasn’t so bad. After a moment of lying there and staring at the blank ceiling, he rolled over and out of the bed, wiggling his toes a little in the soft carpet before fully standing up. Walking across the room, he slipped back into his boots and straightened out the robes he’d forgotten to take off before climbing into bed before taking a deep breath and opening the door. 

He had not expected to almost run into Tristan’s chest this morning, but now here he was, blinking up at the Archer. Somewhere, in the cavity in Merlin’s chest that should hold his heart, he felt something clench in longing. The rest of him, however, began screaming at him to run. Tristan probably wanted to shoot him, after all, after everything that had happened, and Merlin did not feel like almost dying this morning, thank you very much. 

“Good morning, Sir Tristan! What brings you here?” Merlin chirped, forcing a smile onto his face. Maybe annoying Tristan away would work. 

Tristan simply hummed at that, crossing his arms over his chest. Even though his eyes weren’t open, Merlin could almost feel them looking him up and down, and the voice in his head screaming at him to run was growing louder and sounding saner by the second. After an eternity, Tristan spoke. 

“Master sent me to show you around Chaldea, if that is alright with you.” Tristan uncrossed his arms just to tuck a piece of hair behind his ear. “He also pointed out that I should bring you to the tailor’s so that you may acquire some more clothing.” 

“Sounds good to me!” Merlin slipped out of the room and allowed the door to close behind him, gesturing for Tristan to lead the way after a moment. Tristan’s mouth twitched up into a half smile before he turned and began to lead Merlin down the hallway, Merlin making sure to keep just a couple of steps behind, should he need to run at some point. The two traveled in silence for most of the trip, Tristan only breaking said silence to point out important fixtures of Chaldea to Merlin’s curious eyes. Oh, sure, he’d Seen most of these before in his long hours of observing the last bastion of humanity, but it was nice to actually get some perspective on such human things like the cafeteria or the rec room! 

As they were approaching Vlad’s room for Merlin to get new clothes, Tristan suddenly paused and turned around, eyes finally opening to fix Merlin with the oh-so-familiar stare Tristan was so known for. Merlin felt his fangs sink into his lip and winced slightly. He’d almost thought he’d escape Tristan’s scrutiny. 

“All of the knights tend to have dinner together once a week,” Tristan announced after a moment of staring Merlin down. “I know we’d all appreciate it if you would join us for our next one. Tomorrow evening, 6 in the evening, in the cafeteria.” With that, Tristan closed his eyes and let a soft smile cross his face before he turned back around and continued towards Vlad, leaving Merlin standing there confused and off-balance. He must have been mishearing things. There was no _way_ Tristan would invite him to dinner with the rest of the knights. 

“Are you coming?” Tristan called, snapping Merlin out of his thoughts. He dashed after the Archer, leaving behind the small hopes of a lonely mage where he had stood. He was dreaming, perhaps, thinking that the knights would want him. After all, who would ever want to spend time with him, after everything he’d done? 

* * *

Merlin stared at the clock, biting at his nails as he ferociously debated with himself. It was 5:55, not too late to join the knights for their dinner. Tristan hadn’t seemed upset at him yesterday, and it was a dinner in a public location. They likely wouldn’t kill him on the spot. 

… or they very much could and they were doing it in public because they felt the need to inform everyone of just how awful Merlin was. That was also a possibility. 

“You’re being stupid, me,” Merlin groaned, flopping back onto his bed to stare at the ceiling. “Skip it. Tristan probably just offered to be nice. It’s not like they’ll miss you.” With that, Merlin pushed himself off of the bed to go to his computer, ready to take his mind off of the dinner he was missing. This would be fine. Everything was fine, and he could easily avoid the knights in order to make things not awkward. With that, Merlin popped on his headphones and got to work on editing his latest performance, not noticing the soft sound of footsteps heading away from his door towards the cafeteria.


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin goes on his first mission, and the Bully Merlin Into Friendship Train gets going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year, everyone! I decided to ring in the new year with an update to this, and it was a lovely break from the current NA event on top of that! I hope you enjoy this!

Life in Chaldea was oddly, charmingly domestic, as Merlin had discovered in the week he’d been here. Everyone had little routines they did throughout the day, and they all acted as if this facility in the middle of Antarctica was a home to them, even if it was under horrible circumstances. Merlin found himself endeared by some of the little things he’d learned about those he now had to share space with, just now realizing how much he couldn’t see with clairvoyance. For example, Romani woke up at 6 am sharp every single morning to make the biggest pot of coffee imaginable for all of the early risers before vanishing to who-knows-where to enjoy said coffee before the chaos could begin. Emrys, the last Master of Chaldea, would inevitably emerge around 6:30, always blinking sleep from his eyes and clearly still tired but determined to pretend to be a functional adult. Merlin would usually find himself stealing tea from the kitchen and vanishing, trying to avoid contact with as many of those who actually indulged in human food as possible. 

(Of course he wasn’t avoiding the Knights. His little avoidance of the cafeteria in the mornings definitely didn’t start on his third day in Chaldea, when he walked into the cafeteria and heard Mordred’s boisterous laugh. It definitely wasn’t because, when he’d glanced towards the sound, his gut had clenched with some emotion he couldn’t identify as he saw most of the Knights gathered around a table, all enjoying breakfast together. He definitely hadn’t spun around and walked back out before any of them could spot him, and if he just hadn’t entered the cafeteria again in the week he’d been here, no one could  _ prove  _ it was because of the Knights.) 

So, Merlin had found himself having tea in the lounge every morning, having found a small corner by a window that had a lovely view of the mountains surrounding Chaldea. No one had bothered to come over and talk yet, although he knew a few had debated it. He wasn’t deaf. He could hear the whispers about him, he just simply decided to ignore them. If the other Servants wanted to make assumptions about him, that was on them! He knew that his Master wanted him to try and make friends with other Servants, but he didn’t really see the point. After the Incineration, they’d all return to the Throne of Heroes, only to inevitably be summoned to fight each other in another Grail War, while Merlin would return to Avalon. What was the point of making friends that wouldn’t last? 

It was during one of his morning tea sessions that someone sat on the couch next to him, breaking the routine. Merlin glanced over, only for his eyes to widen in slight shock at seeing his Master. 

“What brings you here this morning, Master?” Merlin asked, quickly putting on his mask of cheerful indifference. 

“I just wanted to see how you were settling in,” Emrys simply replied, staring down into his coffee instead of meeting Merlin’s eyes. “I haven’t really seen you around, so I got worried.” 

“Ah, most sentient beings tend to dislike me, that’s all! I just spend most of my time in my room. They don’t have to deal with me, I don’t have to deal with them- really, it’s best for everyone!” 

“But aren’t you lonely?” 

Merlin paused at that, looking over at Emrys. The teenager was simply staring into his coffee, still refusing to meet Merlin’s eyes, but from the clench of his jaw, Merlin knew there was no getting out of this conversation. 

“Not really. I’m used to not being social,” Merlin responded after a moment, taking a long sip of his tea after. 

“I want you to come on the mission with us today,” Emrys blurted out, face immediately flushing after. “I mean… I was going to work up to it, but I guess blurting it out just happened.” 

Merlin raised an eyebrow at the honesty, taking another long sip of tea. “Is that why you asked me about my social life?” 

“I think it’ll do you some good to talk to some of the other Servants,” Emrys insisted, hands clenching around his coffee mug, finally looking up and facing Merlin. “We’re just going on a supply run for some of the Assassins today, and it’s just a team of Casters. What do you say?” 

“Hm, well, I suppose I can give it a try,” Merlin mused aloud, internally weighing his options. On the one hand, he could say no. His Master wasn’t the type to force a Servant to do anything they didn’t want to, after all, and there would be no repercussions for Merlin’s refusal. On the other hand, he could go. It was only Casters, which meant that none of the Knights would be going. That would be much easier to deal with. 

“Hm… sure! When do we leave?” In his head, Merlin was running through his schedule, and he winced internally as he realized that tonight was supposed to be another Magi Mari stream night. Hopefully the supply run wouldn’t take too long. 

“In an hour. We’re meeting in the command room before heading out so I can pass out some equipment for everyone.” With that, Emrys stood up and shot Merlin a smile. “Thank you for agreeing to come along. I know the others want to meet you, and plus, you’re giving Mozart a break, I know he wants to spend more time on composing but he can’t because of how often we’re out in the field.” 

Merlin simply laughed at that and shooed Emrys off with a “Ah, it’s not a problem! I’ll see you in an hour!” After his Master left, Merlin let out a long sigh and once again took a sip of his tea, heating it a little bit with magecraft. He had an hour to get his act together and figure out a plan to make sure no one got too close. That way, when everything inevitably fell apart, it would hurt him less. With that sobering thought, he relaxed back into the couch, staring out at the blizzard, and began to plot. 

* * *

“Merlin! There you are!” Emrys called as Merlin walked into the command room, waving him over. Merlin made a beeline for him, ignoring Romani’s pointed scowl at his back and da Vinci’s mischief-filled eyes that stared into his soul when he met them. As he approached, he noticed that Emrys was in what looked to be a Mage’s Association uniform, nervously bouncing on the balls of his feet as he held something out to Merlin. “Here, you’re going to need this.” 

Merlin took the fragment and tucked it into the pocket of his robe before fixing an obnoxiously bright smile onto his face. “Why thank you! Shall we get going, then?” 

“Well, now we can, because you finally showed up.” Merlin recognized the thick Irish accent and looked over to see Cu Chulainn, in Caster form, pushing himself to his feet and walking over. “Now, don’t fuck up and we’ll be fine.” With that, he hopped into a coffin, not giving Merlin a chance to respond. 

“He’s like that.” Merlin startled as he felt a pat on his shoulder, and he looked over to find Paracelsus von Hohenheim smiling up at him sympathetically. “Try not to let him get to you.” 

Merlin let out a little laugh and moved towards the coffins himself, throwing a little “Nothing can get to me!” over his shoulder before he let himself be encased in the coffin. If he were claustrophobic, this would be absolute hell. Dimly, he could hear Romani begin the countdown, and then, a bright flash blinded him, and the next thing he knew, he was standing on the streets of London, blinking the spots out of his eyes. 

He tried to take a step forward, only to stumble right into someone’s arms. “Whoa!” came a yelp from the person he’d hit. “It’s okay, the disorientation is normal! Just give it a second!” He finally managed to get his vision back and looked up at the person who was holding him up, internally screeching when Nitocris’s face registered in his mind. Oh, she’d absolutely take offense to this. 

“Ah, thank you, Your Majesty.” Merlin forced his voice to be even as he practically jumped away from Nitocris, fixing another smile onto his face. “Your kindness is appreciated.” 

She pursed her lips together before turning around. “Hmph. It was no problem at all. Now, come, Master is waiting for us.” 

“I’m right here,” Emrys laughed, coming up from behind Merlin, a tablet unlocked and in his hand while he twirled a stylus between his fingers. “So, we mostly need gems for Kotarou, but if we get some statues or monuments along the way, that’ll really help us plan in case another Assassin arrives in the future. Now, we’ve got two teams, to make this go twice as fast, so I’m splitting you guys 3 and 3 and splitting my attention between you.” 

“That’s a recipe for disaster,” Cu Chulainn called, leaning heavily against his staff. “Remember what happened the  _ last  _ time you tried that strategy? Alice nearly got us all killed.” 

Emrys didn’t even look up from his tablet. “Exactly why Alice isn’t here today. Any other complaints?” 

“Yes. Can I please have a fucking break?” Waver asked, crossing his arms. He was in his adult form today, and he clearly hadn’t had adequate rest last night, if the extra dark circles under his eyes were anything to go on. 

“After this, yeah.” Emrys finally looked up from his tablet, shooting a sympathetic smile at Waver. “Now, I’m putting you with Cu and Merlin there. We’re looking for about 14 red gems for Fuuma, do you guys think you can get that by yourselves?” 

“Of course. We’re not amateurs,” Waver scoffed, Cu Chulainn nodding in agreement at that. 

“Great! Nitocris, Tamamo, Paracelsus, we’re looking for 8 blue gems. I’ll be going with the other group today to get a feel for how Merlin fights, so you three are on your own. Think you can handle that?” The three of them nodded before running off to fight the encroaching ghosts, leaving the rest of them behind. 

After a moment of silence, Merlin summoned his staff, allowing the bottom of it to hit the ground, letting the thud ring out around the area. “Great! Shall we begin?” Cu Chulainn simply readied his own staff in response, and with that, they were off to murder some ghosts and loot their corpses for anything valuable. 

Four hours of hard fighting later, and they had everything they had come for, along with some extra materials that made Emrys extremely happy to have found. Emrys thanked them all profusely for their hard work before shooing them back towards the leyshift point, insisting that they all needed rest. Internally, Merlin was laughing a bit at that: he still had his Magi Mari stream to do tonight. 

The shift back to Chaldea was a little better than the shift there, and Merlin found orienting himself much easier this time. He didn’t stumble into any of the other Casters or Emrys, so that was a success in his books! In the background, Emrys was chattering with the rest of the team, so Merlin decided to take this moment to slip away. As he turned to leave, he felt a hand grab his sleeve and he froze, turning around slowly to find Tamamo beaming up at him. 

“Hello~! You haven’t been very social with everyone here, and I was wondering if you would like to come have tea with me tomorrow!” She looked pleasant enough, Merlin decided, but he wasn’t sure if there was an ulterior motive there yet. Better to play it safe. 

“Ah, no thank you. I have plans!” 

Her smile seemed to almost sharpen, and Merlin winced as he felt- yep, those were claws- digging into his sleeve. “Mm, well, can you possibly cancel them? I think it would be a wonderful way to get to know you~!” 

“On second thought, I can absolutely cancel those plans. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Tamamo released him, any form of malice gone from her smile. “Of course! I’ll come to get you in the early afternoon, if that’s alright with you!” At Merlin’s nod, she giggled a little and began to bounce off. “Then I’ll see you then! Have a good day~!” And with that, she was gone, leaving Merlin with a new fear of foxes as she did. She’d managed to talk him into tea. It was just tea, though. There was nothing dangerous about tea. After a moment, he followed after her, heading straight for his room. He needed to start getting ready for his stream, after all! He couldn’t disappoint his loyal fans with tardiness! Tardiness wasn’t cute, after all, and Magi Mari was the definition of cute! He’d probably pay for the long day and late night tomorrow, but that was a problem for Future Merlin, just like all of the problems Merlin made for himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments! Thank you for reading, and have a lovely day! 
> 
> ~Logan


	3. Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin has a Chat with a fox, and the Plot Thickens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to hell, everyone. xD

Merlin woke the next day to a light knock on his door and the scent of sugar wafting through the air. Groaning, he pushed himself upright, yawning as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “Who is it?” he called, brushing his hair out of his eyes. The stream last night had run a bit late, and then he’d stayed awake even longer talking to Romani, and really, Merlin would like to get back to sleep. 

“It’s Tamamo, here to remind you that you agreed to meet me for tea~!” At that, Merlin practically flew out of his bed, cursing under his breath that he didn’t set an alarm. He didn’t have enough time to look presentable! Oh well, Tamamo wasn’t his friend anyway; it’s not like he cared about impressing her. 

“Oh, yes! One moment!” Merlin quickly wiggled into his usual pants and tank top, not bothering to throw his robe on over it. He quickly slipped on and laced up his boots before simply running a hand through his hair to smooth it out a bit, and opened the door to find Tamamo holding a tray of tea and pastries, beaming up at him. 

“Hello! May I come in? This tray is quite heavy.” Merlin blanched a bit at the realisation that they would be having this conversation  _ in his room _ , and quickly fixed a smile on his face. 

“Of course! Let me take that for you.” With that, he grabbed the tray and turned around to set it on his desk, internally screaming. This was Very Bad, and he had to figure out a way to get this teatime over with  _ fast _ . “You can take the desk chair, Tamamo, I can sit on my bed.” 

She sat on the chair and began to pour the tea, glancing over as Merlin kicked his boots off. “How do you take it?” 

“Oh, three sugars, one cream, thank you.” He quickly arranged his blankets to be more comfortable to sit on and sat down, pulling his hair back into a low ponytail to keep it out of his face. He accepted the cup from her and gently blew on it before taking a sip, humming a little in joy as the soothing warmth washed through his mouth. Tamamo finished making her own tea and sat back to look at him, her eyes seeming to search him up and down for a moment. 

“You don’t fight like I’d expect the Grand Caster to,” she finally opened with, after taking a long sip of her tea. “You fight more like a Saber.” 

Merlin looked down into his tea to avoid looking her in the eyes, not wanting to see the judgement in them. “Ah, well, I  _ did  _ train Artoria, remember. It’s just more natural to use a sword at this point. Besides, casting spells mid-battle is hard! I get all tongue-tied.” 

“Oh, really now? Perhaps you just need some help with that!” Tamamo took another sip of her tea before setting the cup down on the desk and picking up a small roll. “Regardless, that’s not what I really wanted to talk to you about, it was just an interesting observation I made.” 

“Do tell, then, Priestess! What did you wish to ask me?” Merlin reached over for a roll himself, and Tamamo met him halfway by handing it to him. 

“I wished to ask you why you are isolating yourself.” Merlin choked on the bite of pastry in his mouth at her bluntness, and it took him a minute to swallow and get his thoughts in order enough to respond. 

“Habit! I was all alone in Avalon. Besides, most people don’t like me, so it’s for the best on all fronts.” He took another sip of tea before continuing. “I must ask, though, why you of all people noticed. We haven’t met before, to my knowledge, and I was under the impression that you were not particularly fond of anyone that could be considered in my inner circle.” 

“And yet your ‘inner circle’, as you call them, haven’t noticed. Perhaps you need to get new friends.” At this, Tamamo took a pointed sip of her tea and stared directly into Merlin’s eyes. “Most of us Casters tend to have biweekly meetings. It would be wise of you to attend.” 

Merlin took a long sip of his tea before responding. “When’s the next one?” She clearly wanted to hear him responding to her efforts, regardless of how pointless they were. He could indulge for a little bit. 

Tamamo’s face broke into a soft, bright smile at his question. “Next Sunday, at noon, in the main meeting room. Since it will be your first, you’re not responsible for bringing snacks or drinks.” 

“Hm… I suppose I can make sure my schedule is clear then! Is that all you wanted to talk about?” Merlin fixed his own bright smile on his face, desperate to lighten the mood and make her leave soon. 

“Yes, actually.” At that, she stood. “You can keep the pastries and tea, just be sure to return them to the kitchen tonight or I’ll have to send Boudica after you~!” 

Merlin laughed at the blatant threat on his life and assured her he would return the dishes. With a final smile and wave, Tamamo bounced away out of his room, leaving Merlin once again alone with his thoughts. 

After a couple of hours, he finished the tea and pastries and stood, putting his boots back on before gathering the dishes. He didn’t feel like bothering with his robes today, and if anyone had a problem with it, he would just ignore them. With that, he opened the door of his room and began the walk to the kitchen, softly humming an old folk song to himself as he walked. He got a few strange looks from the human Chaldea staff as he passed, but most of the Servants simply nodded at him and continued on with what they were doing, something that Merlin was extremely happy about. 

He found the kitchen fairly quickly and walked inside to find just Emiya, just starting to prepare the ingredients for dinner. 

“Where do you want these?” Merlin called. Emiya looked up, grunted out a direction, and then went back to chopping garlic, something Merlin was all too happy to let him do with no interruption. He quickly sat the dishes down on the counter and then left, not willing to test Emiya’s patience this early on. Unfortunately, this course of action brought him barreling into his Master just outside of the kitchen, the only thing keeping both of them upright being the intense grip strength of Emrys’s boots. 

“Whoa, whoa! You okay, Merlin?” Emrys yelped, grabbing onto the mage’s shoulders. 

“I’m fine, thank you though! Are you okay?” Merlin dusted off his non-existent robes, beaming at Emrys. Emrys simply nodded in reply before something sparked to life in his eyes. 

“Walk with me? I have to go grab something.” Merlin contemplated turning the young man down, but ultimately decided that it would be fun, and also, was very unlikely to end up terribly, so! 

“Lead the way, Master.” With that, Emrys grinned and turned around, beginning to practically skip down the hallway, Merlin trailing right behind him and stifling laughter at the sweet, pure energy of his Master. 

“So! I heard Tam had a chat with you earlier, how’d that go?” Emrys turned around to face Merlin as he asked this, walking backwards down the hallway. Merlin silently wondered how he wasn’t running into anything. 

“Oh, just fine! She invited me to the Caster meeting, and we had tea! You know, normal things.” 

Emrys hummed and turned back around just before he bumped into a wall. “Well, that’s good! I hope you’ll go, I think you’ll like most of the Casters here.” 

Merlin hummed in response but didn’t otherwise respond, simply letting Emrys decide how else to steer the conversation. Emrys seemed content to walk in comfortable silence, however, and so Merlin let him, taking in as much of Chaldea as he could as they walked. Eventually, they turned a corner into a hallway that seemed to be away from almost everything else, and Merlin finally broke the silence. “Where are we going, Master?” 

“My room,” Emrys simply responded, pushing his glasses up his nose a bit. “I have to grab my watering can.” 

This seemed like a perfectly reasonable answer, and so Merlin waited outside as Emrys slipped into his room and came back out only a few seconds later, holding a cute plastic purple watering can. Emrys grinned up at Merlin and started to walk back the way they came, with Merlin once again following. 

“... so why a watering can? That seems like a very inefficient weapon,” Merlin asked. 

“It’s not a weapon, silly,” Emrys laughed, “and it’s because I need to water my plants.” 

“You have plants?” Merlin was actually fairly surprised at that. He’d assumed that Emrys, having dreams of being a serious musician, wouldn’t have time for something like plants, in between his practicing and missions. 

“Mhm. I take some plants from every Singularity and grow them here. It’s… a nice way to remember all we’ve been through.” He suddenly paused in front of a door, turning around to look at Merlin. “Well, this is where I leave you. Can you come on the supply run tomorrow morning?” 

“Yes, I can! First thing in the morning?” 

“Yep. I’ll see you then!” And, with that, Emrys opened the door and slipped inside, only allowing Merlin to catch a glimpse of a small tree before his sight was blocked by the door. He sighed and turned to begin walking back towards his room when a chill went down his spine. He paused, about to turn around to see which Assassin had snuck up on him, when a voice spoke, turning his blood to ice with one simple word.    
  


“Merlin.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that is where I'm leaving you for now. Please feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts! 
> 
> ~Logan


	4. Part IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Merlin does not have a Fun Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone thank Seyyu from the Mastersona server for convincing me to write this this quickly!

“Gawain,” Merlin simply responded, turning around to face the Saber. “What a lovely surprise! What brings you down here at this time of the day? Aren’t you supposed to be with Artoria?”

“Yes, and so are you! You’re late to video games.” Gawain’s bright, sunny smile betrayed no ulterior motives, but that was suspicious in and of itself. Why was Gawain  _ here _ ,  _ now _ , and  _ talking to him _ ? The chances of that happening were so laughably small that Merlin had a better chance of Romani confessing that he had feelings for Merlin to his face in the middle of the cafeteria. 

“Well, how can I be late to video games if I didn’t  _ know  _ about the video games?” Merlin carefully started to inch towards the nearest other hallway. He needed to escape, now. 

“You’re clairvoyant, you know everything.” Gawain’s smile seemed to sharpen in Merlin’s direction. Yep, yep, time to leave, time to leave  _ now.  _ Merlin spun around and  _ ran _ , trying to get back to his room with the lockable door and the solid desk and the chair. 

Unfortunately, the universe seemed to hate Merlin in that moment, and Gawain simply reached out and grabbed onto his hair. Merlin yelped as he was suddenly yanked to a halt, his feet still trying to carry him forward, and he slipped and fell. Gawain released his hair, allowing Merlin to crash to the floor. Groaning, Merlin tried to push himself back up (he had to  _ get away _ , he had to  _ run _ ), but before he could, Gawain simply picked him up in a fireman’s carry and began to walk off, ignoring Merlin’s screaming and thrashing the entire way. A second sound of footsteps sounded, and, when Merlin looked up, it was to see Bedivere smiling at him and not helping Merlin to escape from Gawain, the  _ traitor.  _

“Oh, haha, very funny you two, you got me! You can put me down now, we all know you’re not  _ actually  _ kidnapping me for something as mundane as  _ video games _ !” Merlin was genuinely getting a little desperate, but he refused to admit that to himself. That would be giving up. 

Neither Gawain nor Bedivere replied. In fact, as Merlin looked at Bedivere, the knight’s eyes strayed to the side, not meeting Merlin’s. 

“... you’re  _ kidding _ .” 

“Our king requested you, and, as you declined her invitation to dinner, we felt that this was the next best solution,” Bedivere simply replied, still refusing to meet Merlin’s eyes. “If you promise to come quietly and not attempt to run, Gawain will put you down.” 

“Yes! I won’t run, just  _ put me down _ .” With a look at each other, Gawain tentatively set Merlin down. 

Merlin immediately bolted, only to be yanked back  _ again  _ by his hair, and this time he was picked up by Bedivere. Bedivere and Gawain gave him twinned looks of disappointment, and Merlin just gave a little half smile as a non-apology. “What? You had to have known I would do that.” 

“I knew you would, and that is why I prepared for it,” Bedivere sighed in response, tightening his grip on Merlin just to be sure. “I do not know why you are fighting us on this.” 

“Maybe I have better things to do with my time,” Merlin shot back. “Have you considered that?” 

“Tam said otherwise,” Gawain replied. “Besides, you’re our friend! We want to spend time with you.” 

“Ha, friends, that’s cute.” Merlin wiggled a little more to see if he could get free, and winced when Bedivere’s grip tightened to almost painful levels. “Look, this was a very nice chat, but I do have things to do-” 

“Ah, Bedivere, Gawain, you’ve found our wayward mage. Good.” Merlin stiffened at the voice before trying even harder than before to break out. No no no no no he was  _ not  _ ready, he wasn’t dealing with this today, he wasn’t dealing with this  _ ever _ \- 

“Merlin! Merlin, stop, you’re going to hurt yourself!” Artoria yelled, dashing over to try and help Bedivere. Merlin shrieked and tried to wiggle away from her, and Artoria was so concerned with making sure Bedivere didn’t drop him that she wasn’t watching her face, and Merlin’s boot managed to land a hit right on her nose. With a sickening  _ crack _ , Artoria stumbled backwards, her hands flying up to cover her nose, and everyone else froze. 

He’d kicked Artoria. He’d  _ kicked _ Artoria.  _ He’d kicked Artoria _ .  **_He’d kicked Artoria._ **

Merlin’s brain, at this exact moment, chose to helpfully remind him that he could take spirit form, and that is exactly what he did. He stuck around just long enough to hear the cries for him to wait, and then Merlin was gone, only taking solid form again once he was back in his room. He stumbled over to the door and slammed the button to lock it before his knees buckled, sending him crashing to the floor. 

He curled into a ball on the floor, not bothering to get up, and let the screaming in his head overwhelm his senses. He’d kicked his king, she absolutely hated him, the other Knights hated him, they were never going to forgive him for this, he could never show his face again! 

_ Isn’t this what you wanted?  _ the little voice in the back of his head hissed, growing louder and louder with his thoughts.  _ You want them to hate you, you want them to see just how terrible of a person you are. This makes your job so much easier!  _

Not like this. Not like this. He didn’t want to actually  _ hurt  _ them! 

_ That’s all you can ever do, all you do is hurt people _ , the voice retorted, now louder than anything else in Merlin’s head.  _ They were probably just trying to be nice out of a misguided sense of chivalry!  _

He should go back and heal Artoria’s face. It was the least he could do. 

_ Tristan can do that too, or Nightingale, or Medea, or any other healer. Artoria doesn’t want you anywhere near her ever again. No one else wants you, either. They all rightly love Artoria, and now she hates you! So you might as well just stay here and never come out again! You’d do everyone a favour that way. In fact, why don’t you just break your contract with Emrys and go back to Avalon? Even better!  _

Tamamo seemed to like him, though. She’d smiled, and invited him to a meeting, and she didn’t have any reason to do that. 

_ Emrys asked her to. We all know that.  _

Emrys cared. 

_ Emrys cares about all of his Servants, you’re nothing special.  _

Merlin didn’t have a response to that. The voice was right, and he couldn’t fight it. Giving up on fighting the smart part of his being, he just curled up into a tighter ball and, for the first time in over a thousand years, he began to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the angst. >:3 
> 
> Please, leave your thoughts in the comments below! I'll see you all next chapter! 
> 
> ~Logan


	5. Part V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Merlin gets Treats, and he makes a Decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone thank Seyyu, Ada, and Lilac from the Mastersona Server, they're the ones who talked me down from making this angst and demanded soft. ^-^

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been on the floor for. He wasn’t sure how long he’d managed to cry for, and how long he’d just been sitting there. He did know that when he came to, there were flowers tickling his face, and flowering vines growing all over him, wrapped around his arms and torso and legs and curled into his hair. 

“Thank you, but I need to get up now,” Merlin murmured to the plants, moving to push himself up. The plants fought back, trying to convince him that he  _ wasn’t  _ fine, that he needed to lay back down and calm down, but Merlin was firm, pulling himself up and out of the flower bed and stepping out of the circle of flowers. He padded over to the wardrobe and opened it, biting his lip and looking his outfit choices up and down. Sighing, he finally pulled out another set of pants and another top, heading off to the bathroom to clean up. His face felt gross; he wasn’t going to step outside the room without a shower. 

  
He spent a little longer in the shower than he probably needed, just basking in the warmth and trying to avoid thinking about what might be waiting for him outside. When he finally managed to drag himself out of the shower, dry himself off, and get dressed, he finally walked over to the door, and, with a final, shaky inhale, unlocked it and moved to open it. 

What he was not expecting to find was a large box in front of his door, with his name clearly written on it. Frowning, Merlin carefully nudged it into his room with his foot and closed the door before crouching down to open it. It wasn’t taped shut, so Merlin had no issues undoing the flaps. 

Inside was what could only be described as a raging mess. Thick, fleece blankets made a good nest for a stack of colouring books and a tin of coloured pencils. Chocolates were scattered throughout the box, and, nestled in the middle of the box, was a stuffed white fox, a little pink ribbon tied around its neck. 

Merlin stood there for a moment, just staring at the box, before he noticed the note nestled under the fox. He carefully reached out with shaking hands to pick it up and read it, his eyes tearing up almost instantly at the first line. 

_ Dearest Merlin,  _

_ I sincerely apologise for the behaviour of my knights yesterday. While it is true that I do miss you and wish to speak with you, I would never dream of doing so at the expense of your own comfort. I do wish you would stop isolating yourself and join us, but if you need time and space, I understand. Please take these gifts as a token of apology, and, when you are ready to talk, you may come find me. I will always be ready to talk with you, my dearest mage.  _

_ All my love,  _

_ Artoria  _

“Oh… she. She does care still.” Merlin set the note down on the box before sitting on the floor next to it, blinking back tears and smiling. “That’s… that’s nice.” He sat there in quiet for another few moments, composing himself, and, once he was calm, he pulled out a colouring book, smile widening at it. “Birds, huh? That’ll be fun.” He grabbed the coloured pencils and got to work, just sitting in quiet and enjoying the soothing repetition of colouring, occasionally stopping to eat a chocolate or two and humming in joy at the sweet, delightful treats. 

Hours go by, Merlin only able to tell because the lights in his room automatically switched on when the light from outside faded. Just as Merlin’s legs were starting to protest his life choices, a soft knock came at his door. Merlin paused and looked up, turning towards the door. 

  
“Who is it?” he called, shoving down the little pangs in his chest that hoped it was- no, no, she said she’d give him space, and that had to go for the Knight too. It wasn’t them. 

“Merlin, I’m just here to inform you that dinner is ready, if you… feel ready to come out,” Emrys’s voice replied. It was soft, softer than Merlin had ever heard it before. “And… I came to check on you.”    
  
“I’m okay, Master, really,” Merlin chuckled softly in response, carefully setting his pencils and book down before standing, wobbling a bit and wincing at his twinging, asleep foot. “Just give me a moment and I’ll be right out.” 

“Oh… oh, you don’t- I can bring it to you!” Merlin simply moved towards the door and started putting on his boots, continuing to listen to Emrys babble. “Besides, the Knights wanted to give you space, you really don’t have to-” 

Merlin opened the door as he finished shrugging his robes on, beaming down at his Master. “I’m okay. Really.” 

Emrys looked at him like he was questioning Merlin’s sanity, but he didn’t speak up, simply gesturing for Merlin to follow him. Merlin did, trying to put a little bounce in his step to appear more upbeat to the untrained eye. Emrys walked in silence the entire time, although Merlin could feel his eyes darting back to check on him every other second. He didn’t mention it, however- his Master was entitled to his worry, after all, and so Merlin could indulge him a little. 

Soon enough, they reached the cafeteria, and Emrys hesitated. Merlin, mind made up about what he was about to do, swept into the cafeteria and made a beeline for the buffet table, pointedly ignoring the longing stares he could feel on him. Good, a corner table. That would make this  _ much  _ easier. 

He made sure to grab a few of the things he knew the others liked before turning around, and, before he could chicken out himself, he marched over to the corner table occupied by the Knights of the Round Table. They were all staring at him approaching with expressions ranging from shock to glee, but Merlin didn’t have time to process that, not if he wanted to remain strong enough to do this. Four times, he could have turned and sat at another table, and four times, he ignored the inner voice screaming at him to run, that they hated him, that this would not end well, and he paused in front of the table, fixing a crooked smile onto his face. 

“Hi. Can I sit here?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this! Please, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments, and I'll see you next time! 
> 
> ~Logan

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this! Feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts, and thank you for reading! 
> 
> ~Logan


End file.
